Darkness

It’s dark, like nighttime closing in on you. None of your plans fall into place, a future you’re not sure you want. You thought you were smart, bound to do great things, when in reality you’re just a speck in the universe.

It’s painful. Your dreams fading away, out of reach. As you reach for them, these dreams turn to dust. You grasp tightly yet they escape, hitting the ground quietly, without any sound, and suddenly you feel your heart being crushed. Painful shrinking of hope.

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ACL Things

I hurt my knee badly, but it’s my mind and heart that are suffering most.

Just when I was slowly succeeding with fitness. Just as I was figuring out my career move. Just as I was building my finances. Just as I was mending a broken heart. Just as I was feeling alone and sports have been keeping me afloat. My ability to walk, run, jump was taken away from me in a split second.

It’s been a month since the injury. I survived my ACL Reconstruction and am on my way to recovering with rehab. However, the entire mishap has been taking its toll on me mentally and emotionally.

It’s like I’m being pushed to the very corner of my fears namely nothingness, irrelevance, and mediocrity.

Sports. I’ve always been active, moving, on the go as a way for me to live life, to escape, to survive. Now, I’m stripped off of a very big chunk of me. I know I’m no professional athlete, but this injury took away my release from stress–working out, driving, dancing, playing sports. Now, I’m stuck at home relearning how to walk and sit and stand.

Finances. I’m financially literate relative to people around me. Yet, without and HMO, I had to shell out a significant amount for the surgery ans now, the rehab. Goodbye, first car.

Confidence. I’m mostly on the plump side and have struggled with a positive body image my entire life. Despite being physically active, I eat a lot and it was only late last year that I learned to eat better paired with crossfit as my main exercise. Now, without crossfit I’m struggling yet again with food as I am trying to stop myself from the downward spiral of going back to emotional eating. With the pain of the surgery, running to food for comfort seems to be the more convenient option. That means losing the physique I’ve worked hard for–a huge blow to my confidence.

Independence. One of my life projects is to be more independent. I’ve mostly been independent until I moved back in to help with the family business. Nowadays, I feel a little too dependent on others, something I’m avoiding. Ironically, with my knee busted, I was forced and was humbled to accept love and support both from people I know and barely know– I had to depend on others.

Belongingness. I guess everybody wants to belong. Before the injury I have found belongingness in a frisbee team, a badminton group, a volleyball team, a crossfit box, a yoga family. Now, I’ll have to to work for at least 6 months to get back to these spaces I feel I belong to. Moreover, now that I’m single, I have never felt this alone in my life. No morning crew in the gym to hang out with, no team to play with, no boyfriend/best friend to hang out with.

Uncertainty. There is the uncertainty of how this newly reconstructed ACL will pan out in the future. Will I be able to go back to sports? Will my knee be ok when I’m older? I’ve never been good with uncertainty, with imperfection even. Now, I’ve permanently damaged my body and consequently have made some things uncertain.

Sometimes I feel it’s too much. Good thing I’m not that religous anymore so I don’t blame God for this. I know that bad things happen and sometimes they just do without any reason or purpose. The less I think of purpose, the easier it is to accept.

Instead of finding the answers to questions such as why I deserve this predicament, my mind has shifted to what I can learn from this experience–not that I don’t have moments where I just want to shout and ask the universe why me? But I do know it doesn’t make sense to find reason since my injury cannot be undone. I guess I’ve comw to realize that moving forward in my life is more productive, even if it feels a bit forced to think in such an optimistic way knowing that I am a pessimist.

Right now, I’m learning about patience, gratitude, hope, humity, how to take things slowly, how to move slowly, how to find peace in solitude. Most importantly, I’m learning about myself–the bad things and the good things when faced with adversity.

I started writing this feeling really down, but I’m finishing this feeling a little more hopeful. Maybe that’s a start. As one of my favorite people in the world would always quote Vaclav Havel:

Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.

I’ll be alright 😁

No to ACL

The open hitter springs up, ready for a kill, I jump with clear intent to block, my fingers graze the ball, I get a touch, I landed, Pop!

The distinct sound of my left knee popping was unmistakable. I went down muttering

Sana hindi ACL, sana hindi ACL

How to Date

A friend told me

do not date to find a mate.

Instead, we must

date to find the qualities you like in a partner

This way you’ll know and recognize if you’ve met “the one,” which will be the person who has all the things, the good and the bad, you’re looking for and can work with.

BLEPT Topnotcher March 2018

BLEPT: Board Licensure Examination for Professional Teachers

It’s amazing to look back at my previous post three months ago. As I wrote that post, I was scared but hopeful . The next day, I made it to the top. It was…

…surreal.

Surreal was the first adjective that sparked in my brain when I saw my name on top of the list.

I just got out of the shower, towel wrapped around by waist, when I found out about it. Feeling lazy and tired from the morning workout, I was slumped on my bed, barechested, dawdling on my laptop, wondering if the results were out. A group chat box popped, and someone announced that names of those who passed from A to C were already.

My heart skipped a beat. This is it.

Since I was waiting for D, I first checked the names of three friends who took the same exam. One failed, two passed. I felt a tinge of guilt knowing even if I do pass, it wouldn’t change the fact that a friend didn’t make it. I told myself I’ll help in any way I can should my friend retake the test. With this guilt, I decided might as well look at the topnotchers.

I initially didn’t even check the top spot. When I heard that the results were finally out, I checked the page where the topnotchers were posted, starting from the third, going down. Honestly, who in their right minds will assume she or he topped the board exam? But as I was scrolling down from three to four, my eye caught a glimpse of my surname on top. WTF?

Unhurriedly, I scrolled upwards.

Slowly, my full name came to view. Then, my board rating:

88.80%

My breathing started to become uneven. I panted. Cold sweat started running down my face and into my chest, realizing I have yet to put on clothes. Then, asthma started to attack. I couldn’t believe what I saw. I started shouting for my mom, but no sound came out as I cried and choked on my tears. It was an absurd, beautiful, hilarious moment all at the same time. It was crazy, unbelievable.

Top_10

LPT Loading

This is me waiting for the results of my board exam–Licensure Examintion for Teachers.

I took this last March 21, eight years after I first stepped into the classroom, eight years late because the license isn’t required when you teach in the University.

Resigning two years ago and leaving the university meant that I needed to take the exam sooner or later.

I did want to take it anyway as I think all teachers should.

Now, May 22, results will be released anytime soon.

To be honest, I dont want to just pass. I want to top the boards.

Typing that is scary, but it also means Im braver now to wish for what I want and then just deal with it when I dont get it.

Fingers crossed 🙂

ATM: 31 August 2017

Starbucks, Robinsons Las Pinas. 9:30 pm.

  • Bake a chicken pot pie
  • Blog about crossfit
  • Practice and nail my Kipping pull-ups and Toes to Bar
  • Qualify in the Fittest Team competition
  • Increase my lung capacity
  • Study Half the World Away by MusicLabCollective
  • Finish Chapter 3 and 4 (MA Thesis)
  • Buy my first mountain bike
  • Start and stick to my diet

There are so many things on my mind. These are just a few. Need to really organize and discipline my self.

Cheers!

Lonesome

Things are different now that I am back home working for our small company.

Paradoxically, I have never felt this far and detached from my siblings despit how physically close our rooms and beds are to each other.

Misunderstandings, lack of communication, unresolved issues, and probably different love languages have put me in a place where I don’t talk to my sister or my brother anymore.

I have never been this sad.

Ironically, the music playing in my spotify as I write this post in a coffee shop is telling me “It’s Gonna be Okay” (The Piano Guys)

My bro, sis, and I grew up playing musical instruments together–my sister on the guitar, my brother on the violin, and me on the piano. We’d sing for hours when we felt like it.

Now we pass by each other in our quaint home without any word to each other.

It didn’t use to be like this. I know this didn’t happen overnight. I also know I played a part why this is my now.

For now I’ll focus on finishing my thesis. It is difficult to write with a heavy heart though.

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